December 6, 2023
The appeal of living abroad, the exoticness of it all—does it offer something new, something different? Will it be better than life here? We move abroad for work, for family, or simply for a calling. Whatever the reason, it can be difficult to preserve one’s identity while also connecting with another culture.
I was never patriotic, never particularly proud to be American. I just didn’t feel connected. This feeling was shaped by my childhood, which left me isolated and disconnected from both myself and my culture. These feelings became part of what I thought was my personality. As I entered adulthood, the pull to leave my home country only grew stronger. At 38, I had my chance—I moved to Japan.
While there are many facets to living abroad, I’ll focus on life in Japan and, more specifically, some of the challenges that come with it.
Japan is safe, and the people are kind and courteous. For the first time in my life, both at home and in my travels, I feel like I can truly relax and let my guard down. Growing up in New York, I certainly never felt that way. This shift has been obvious to me. Living in such a homogenous society is more complex, though. On one hand, there’s an ingrained understanding of how to behave, learned from childhood. This shared sense of etiquette makes for a very stable, predictable environment—one where you almost always know what to expect. On the other hand, it lacks spontaneity; at times, it can even feel dull. I don’t need the chaos of a subway scene to liven things up, but there’s something about the absence of small moments, like casual compliments or light conversation, that can feel isolating.
Living abroad, particularly in Japan, can present unique challenges in combating loneliness. Japanese society is often reserved and introverted, making it harder for expatriates to form connections and integrate. Cultural nuances, language barriers, and privacy-focused social norms contribute to a sense of isolation. Unlike more outgoing cultures where interactions happen spontaneously, Japanese socializing requires a more deliberate and cautious approach. Expats may find it challenging to navigate these cultural barriers and build meaningful connections.
Making friends has been particularly difficult; there’s an unspoken expectation to fit into predefined, acceptable roles. It’s possible to live a quieter lifestyle—like moving to the countryside and growing your own food—but certain values, such as hard work, family, and community, are especially esteemed here. Perhaps it’s a combination of location and language barriers, but building connections has felt challenging.
I think that growing up in a specific place or culture can lead us to accept certain ideas and ways of life as “normal,” even if they aren’t necessarily right. This isn’t unique to Japan; it applies anywhere. When we assume, without question, that “this is the way,” we risk falling into conformity and stifling our growth.
Maintaining a strong sense of self-identity while living abroad in Japan, with its distinct cultural norms, requires conscious effort and adaptability. Navigating a new social landscape and adopting different customs can sometimes feel like it dilutes one’s individual identity. Establishing routines that reflect my own values—practicing certain traditions, pursuing personal interests—has helped me stay grounded and connected to myself. Yet I often feel my heart tugged back to the California coast, with its local organic food, towering trees, and stunning ocean. I’m not sure if I’ll stay here long-term, but I’m grateful for what each place has brought to my life.
Living abroad has been a transformative experience, giving me a unique lens through which I’ve come to understand and appreciate myself more deeply than ever before. Would I do it again? Honestly, I’m not sure. We often admire life’s hardships and say that challenges make us stronger, but knowing what I know now, I don’t think I would. Still, here I am—with a story to tell.